After a long and tiresome day I came home. I yanked baby off my hair and laid her on the bed. As I turned to grab a very much-needed glass of water, my other two began to kill each other. Screaming, hitting, crying! Full blown out fight! My baby begins to cry. She got scared from the loud screams and cries of the other two. There I am with baby in arms screaming and trying to pull them apart, with them almost hitting baby. It was then when I realized that I was wasting energy. I left the room to calm baby, the phone rings. “Hello…”
“Hi honey, what is that noise??” the caller asked.
“Oh, the girls are killing each other…” I respond.
“Oh well sometimes they just need to do that. Can you videotape them?”
I laughed as my mother-in-law and I proceeded to talk about motherhood.
As I think back I think it was that instant when the beginning of my overwhelmed feeling began to hit me. I sit here writing with tears in my eyes I’m so overwhelmed. I mean, what in the world was I thinking? How could I ever imagine that I would be able to be a good, none-the-less sane, mother of these 3 amazingly beautiful little girls?? I mean, I can’t rest, I find myself complaining to my husband constantly (I’m tired of hearing myself, can you imagine how he feels??). I wake up with gunk on my hair, yes! I woke up with gum stuck to my hair today, not to mention that I woke up to the warm sensation of my tiny baby’s pee leaking out of her diaper. I go to sleep with my kids crying EVERY DAY for one reason or another and no matter what I do I feel like they hate me!! I clean and clean and, no matter how hard I try, this place is always a mess and it’s TINY!!! How I can never finish cleaning is simply beyond me! Even though I smell like pee, bubble gum and cleaning supplies and I whine and cry uncontrollably my husband still tries to get “cuddle-y” with me every night (If I’d let him)!
I feel like I’ve been walking around like a zombie. Doing all that I need to do but at times I don’t even remember what I was doing.
My four year old walked in to the bedroom and said mom what are you doing I’m looking for the pen I was writing with, I have no idea where I put it. “Mommy,” she said with a smile, “it’s on your head!”
I reached up and it was! How in the world??
Later that day my oldest got hit by the 4yr old on the head and began to cry then the 4 yr old began to cry so I began to cry, After a few minutes they stopped crying. “Mom,” asked my oldest. “Would you like me to call dad?”
“No, I’m okay sometimes grownups need to cry too! Are you okay?” I asked.
She said, “Yeah, it didn’t hurt that much, it just scared me.”
Then I asked the little one why she was crying she said because she did not mean to hit her sister. I said okay and we all continued with our day. Later that day I was sweeping and asked my oldest to bring me “the trash picker upper” she brought it to me after she asked a billion times what I meant I said the thing that I…I … I… what’s it called the… the… “THE DUST PAN” said my daughter laughing uncontrollably! I began to laugh too so much I almost peed my pants then I began to cry because I was so scattered brain I forgot the name of the darn dust pan!!!
Yesterday my husband came home and gave me an hour off and it felt so good. They came back from the park and I embraced my tiny in my arms and felt like she had been gone forever. Then, my other two walk in full of kisses and hugs for me. In comes my hubby, with smiles and stories about his time out with the girls. I can’t help but feel so guilty. How could I get so overwhelmed that I need to be alone. How could I feel smothered by a man that loves me so much he doesn’t care how I look or smell?? I look at them and I can’t imagine myself without them! They are my life! Then it dawns on me:
“Oh Yes!! I’m only HUMAN! Not a STEPFORD MOM!!!”